my own personal jesus.

one of our favorite friend couples is sharon and dwayne.

sharon feels like it's okay to pray for a good parking space. dwayne and i are not so comfortable with that.

for one thing, the best place is the one far away so that you can put some automatic walking into your day. those are always pretty easy to find. for another, i just can't see asking almighty god to give me a good spot.

there are fine christians on both sides of this perspective. mine is right for me.

my mother was certainly a parking space christian. my daughter was reminding me about how gang gang used to tell all the grandchildren to pray for a place close to the store.

truth to tell, she probably always had a load of kids to get in and probably really did need that good spot.

it was more than that. jesus was involved in every aspect of her life.

but it was always an asking. my mama told god how she wanted it but was always open for something better if god had that in mind. and she always accepted the bad things as being on the way to the good.

my mama's prayers certainly made a difference in my life... and i think maybe a guardian angel may also have been involved.

there was nothing flippant about my mama asking god for a parking space, or her cake not to fall, or for her to find the right dress for a child or grandchild... her life was just so saturated with jesus that it was like a walking conversation in which she mentioned what was on her mind.

like i said, she always accepted whatever answer she got, whether it was a walk in the rain or the loss of a close friend. (my mama lost every one of her closest friends before she died.)

my mama prayed for my husband to have a son. i had a tubal ligation scheduled after my two girls and cancelled it because it just didn't seem right. nicholas was born five years later.

i don't have my mama's faith, but i have my own.

my parents had five children and none of us had the same relationship with either of them. the relationship between us was our own. some things were alike, but we loved our mama and our daddy according to our own experience. we didn't declare one sibling's love to be right and another one's wrong.

the same is true of faith. faith is a relationship.

i won't ever be able to pray for a parking space.

i can hardly even ask for specifics. i just have a hard time telling an omnipotent god what i think should happen in my life.

i think i know what i want, especially for my children; but i can't see the future. i don't know what's out there, and the thing i think would be best might be the worst thing ever because of things and events i know nothing about.

so mostly my prayers are pretty much help and thank you.

the gifts i have had in my life are pretty clear. i don't have to ask god about what i've already been given. i just need to be grateful.

my needs and the needs of those i love are no secret to god either. so i feel that mostly i pray for me, to get me to the place where i can be faithful and at peace.

a phrase i read long ago says it best for me.

pray as you can, not as you think you should.